"How do I live?"

12:45am 11-14-11

Every night I close my eyes

&

I

shudder.

Thoughts of you flood my brain.

They bind my eyelids shut

to face the empty space inside

that you left when you said "Goodbye".

I'm fucking scared to fucking death.

You don't even speak to me anymore.

You left because you couldn't give me

everything--

& now I can't find the courage

to take my everything back,

much less give it to someone

else because you had it all.

You have every piece of me that

I was afraid to give,

& I don't know how to

get them back.

You were my first,

my best,

& my worst.

Never have I cried the way I did over you.

Never have I lied the way I did for you.

Never have I ever felt so betrayed.

"It's over, and we're friends :)"

Friends talk.

They care.

You don't.

You built up every dream I could imagine

between us,

You showed me the life I wanted to live

...with you.

Then you tore my dream masterpiece

down--

We were surrounded by the walls of

past, future, love & sex.

We were present.

intimate.

the everything you couldn't give,

& the everything I'll never get back.

Tell me how I'm supposed to forget.

Tell me how to breathe like our

lips never touched,

& that we never fell in love.

Tell me how I give my 100% to

someone else when I left it

in your bedroom?

I miss you.

& I probably don't even cross your mind.

Give me back, please.

-Samantha Weldon 12:58am

You Are My One.

Baby,

wouldn't it be easy to just lay here?

Together in this solace,

where the only vital signs we need

to follow are the breaths we take--

in this winter air,

I'll follow your foggy sigh to the darkest place

on earth,

If I could just have you.

& Baby,

You're perfect in every way I couldn't imagine,

with eyes like a sunrise I've dreamed of for years,

Your smile quite simply erased my fears,

& you are all I need in this cool winter breeze.

Your arms warm my heart with the feeling of belonging,

To you my dear, I'll be singing softly--

A love that we didn't expect,

has burst through our lips & straight into our chests,

Two unlikely hearts beating as one, because baby,

You are my one.

& Don't let my words go to waste,

We're falling faster every day,

with your hands holding mine,

I'll be yours 'till the end of time.

& Don't make our song a secret,

we're the love story no-one's heard yet,

A perfect scene within a dream,

The world is aching to hear us sing.

You are my one and only,

oh--my one and only,

You are my one and only,

You are my one.

& Don't let my words go to waste,

Bring me a kiss so I won't forget the taste,

of your sweet lips loving mine,

I'll be yours 'till the end of time.

& Don't make our song a secret,

We're the words that no-one's sung yet,

The world is spinning all too fast,

Let's just make this moment last.

You are my one and only,

oh--my one and only,

You are my one and only,

You are my one. (x2, etc.)

Oh darling, you are my one.

-Samantha Weldon

Attempt at song-writing :P

"It's just a life, we'll Dance & Dance"`

10-17-11 11:14am

I'm not crazy,

although my heart goes a little wild at

the sound of your laugh,

the light in your eyes is the

kind of sunset that I first

saw with you,

mixed with the small gleam of

Andromeda,

when your mind is far above

my two feet

on this Earth,

where we always meet.

All the while, I waltz about empty streets &

my limbs sing lithe lyrics

of the way my life has

changed,

& how lucky I am that you

love(d) me.

I'm constantly on pointe around you,

taking steps in relevea,

inch by inch to make sure my

words don't overstep any boundaries,

& so even though I'm on my toes,

I might still be beautiful to you.

I may risk a pas-de-chat,

& I saute past my feelings

of apprehension,

I chase back into your arms,

& there my mind does its full extensions.

You dance with me in a way that is

carefree,

a perfect waltz,

full of such levity.

We smile,

bow out gracefully,

& happily say, "Thank you for having me."

A kiss goodbye,

& a touch farewell,

& as I walk away my heart begins

to swell--

I break out into a dance all my own,

Your ballerina,

happily dancing alone.

She leaps & spins,

& loves herself,

because out of all who could've loved her,

it was you, & nobody else.

Truly.

Samantha Weldon 11:37am

"Fire, burning on desire"`

10-12-11 11:25am

Funny how what starts as a

goodnight kiss

turns out to be the ultimate bliss.

As my heart skips multiple beats,

your lips steady me,

& set it to the tempo of the

metronome within your chest,

steadily increasing with my hands

caressing your skin beneath my

fingertips, like you are my own

personal piano to perform

Moonlight sonatas & enchanting

lullabies sung by my tongue

between your lips,

finding the rhythm between

our hips,

& our voices start piano on our lips,

until all I want to hear

is the sheer crescendo of my pleasing you,

my dear.

& As the space closes between you and me,

in our veins there burns a melody,

one that only you & I can sing,

in a language that is all our own--

composed of bitten lips, heavy sighs,

& fiery moans.

The composure of our connection

makes the sound of pure pleasure,

& if there were a symphony to do

it justice,

it would be our hands conducting

the chorus.

Our music melts together to create

the perfect moment,

the climax of our song making the

music of the night that everyone

desires,

the burning of our own feeding a

fire within our hearts--

Passion.

The heat of our hearts

burns through our chests even

as the embers fade to the

everglow within our minds,

& sparks fly forth from

saturated pharomones

that burn at the real goodnight kiss,

& set us free from the worries

of the world to drift into

the most harmonious sleep we've

ever experienced,

our dreaming minds providing the

continuity of our symphony,

then simply ending with the sweetest

"Good Morning."

Samantha Weldon 11:56am

"All my loving, I will send to you"

10-3-11 11:15am

It's a sad thing

when all I want is to make you

smile.

because I know you're having a

hard time.

My heart is breaking as yours is aching

from the stress upon your shoulders--

all I want is to alleviate your pain,

to be the rainbow after the rain.

The storms inside your mind are raging--

each new responsibility resounding like

thunder in your ears--

So loud that you can't hear me saying,

"I'm here, baby."

As I'm sinking into the feeling that I

was just your something that never meant

anything,

my eyes still long to see yours,

smiling back at me.

I want to be the one thing that means everything,

& be everything you could ever need.

Let me be the vent for your mystery.

Virgo & Pisces.

You & me.

My devotion to you is written in the stars,

& yours to me.

The constellations spell out our story as one

that will make others evergreen with envy.

But again I feel as your light fades,

so does my vision.

And this time its not just those

dreamy, saturated street lamps of downtown

beneath which I became so infatuated.

The light that's fading seems to be the

stars in your eyes that fill my night

skies, & to me,

that's the most precious light I've ever seen.

My eyes are blurred because of your lack of clarity,

& seeing this way fills me with the unwanted

fear that you will leave.

Take your time & ease your mind,

in time your heart will find mine--

two steps behind & missing you,

but knowing when you turn around

I'll be kissing you.

Samantha Weldon 11:33am

9-28-11 11:21am

I'm feeling blue

not like bluebirds or berries--

blue like THE blues.

like jazz,

brooding,

hurt,

& beautiful all at once.

I'm feeling expression--

getting my inner turmoil out on paper,

my disappointment,

my envy,

my green makes me blue.

Blue enough to sing my troubles away through

choked-back sobs,

my voice cracking as each wave hits

my heart--

each rip-tide pulling me out to sea.

I'm chained to this blue beach

but I'm restrained by myself only--

I hold the key,

but I stay just to see what will

happen to me.

I sing out to these waves,

my voice ebbs & flows like them

with the rhythm of my own

heartbeat,

which grows stronger & weaker

as the moon changes his face over

the months of my exposure.

Pulling me close & pushing me back

as he pleases.

The moon is my heart-break,

my hurt,

my blue.

He listens to my song,

& returns to hear me more often

than he leaves.

He calls me a beauty,

but he doesn't want me--

he's so far above me in his

orbital of the galaxy.

He wouldn't force me to leave.

But I am not blue because he can't love me,

I'm blue because of me.

I'm a catastrophe.

11:40AM Samantha Weldon

I'm a beautiful disaster who exposes myself

to everything that hurts me

in the hopes that I will happen upon

someone that will love me.

I'm a breathing,

walking,

art installation

with my eyes fixed upon the

constellations,

in hopes that I will find the

hope my heart can't see.

& I see blue.

Blue eyes coming down from their

blue skies

to rescue me from the blue

sea

that has been crashing over

my identity.

He is everything my moon couldn't be,

& everything my blue soul needs

to become the kind of blue

like sapphires,

precious,

rare,

& the kind of beauty I

was meant to be--

the walking travesty

that I call "me".

Samantha Weldon

11:51AM

"Please make this last"

11:57am 26-9-11

I've faced the fact that nobody will ever

make me feel the way you did.

Now I'm asking him to take me anywhere

but where I was with you.

A new place,

an escape from the love we shared

during our two-point-five weeks together.

"Secret love, my escape, take me far, far away"

He's wonderful.

His smile makes my stomach flip,

& I get lost in his eyes.

He makes it effortless to be comfortable.

I can be as crazy & stupid as

I want,

& he still says I am beautiful.

We are a memory I can't spend

too much time thinking about,

& I shouldn't.

Because I can see that you don't

really care.

You didn't feel like we were worth

fighting for.

We could've been everything.

But now, I'm on my way to

finding a better everything.

A better "one" for me.

You are history.

Misplaced misery,

& unforgettable.

We are infinite.

The greatest & most tragic love story.

Samantha Weldon 12:07pm

To Jared, with my heart.

9.21.11 2:46pm

There's something in my heart,

carving its way deeper & deeper

into my flesh,

twisting & gnarling--

making me beg for my life.

This something happens to be the

memory of you & I--

Something that all I can do is hope

that it will twist itself

free of my heart one day.

This knife of yours is no smooth blade,

it is serrated with all sorts of issues

that pull away pieces of my heart

as you draw it further & further

away.

Each tugging memory something specifically

precious to me--

fading like my vision as my

body continues to bleed.

First the spark of your skin's electricity,

then your body next to me,

Your lips on mine,

& the way your eyes used to

shine.

Your smile though--

it rips my heart out of my chest.

And suddenly,

I feel alive.

His eyes set my lungs back to breathing--

& my tagalong heart finds its way

back between my collar-

bones.

Suddenly,

I'm okay.

My heart still shattered inside of me,

but there's someone new beside me--

picking up the pieces, & cherishing me.

You were right.

You don't deserve me.

I will always love you,

you are the scar that brings me beauty.

Samantha Weldon

3:08pm

"The Sweetness of a Supernova"

2:36pm 9-13-2011

Something about your soft skin sends sparks

shooting swiftly through my nerve endings--

so close that the only way to get closer

is to pull handfuls of mattress & sheets upward,

around your body.

Your body--sketched by an angel;

its finished form being that of a

demi-God. (who coincidentally is with a nymph/siren, if you will).

Your eyes literally glowing as

you look up to me,

our bodies pressed together like

clay inside a mold--

every crevice finding its mate within each others skin.

Closeness like this is only found

when adrenaline & pheromones

collide with the passion that the

thought of sex brings.

When two bodies find the way they fit--

it's a God-given pleasure.

Something shared only with trust & passion--

Tongues tie endless knots around one another,

lips mesh & can't get enough of each other,

breath shortens,

hearts hasten,

& legs tighten around their partner's

whilst hands provide pleasure in

places that could make a girl blush, &

bite her own lip for a change.

Something about sex with you though

is sweet,

not to say it isn't sensual,

but there is respect present--

each of us wanting to polease the other equally.

Your face,

the way I can see your pleasure pass from

your eyes downt hrough you lips when

they find mine,

after feeling your breath on my chest

while we press to connect.

& once the connection is made,

we are in a different place.

You, me, & our hearts beating at light-speed.

We are light-years away in our own galaxy.

Nothing but the nebulas inside our irises,

& fleeting thoughts like comets whirring inside

our conscience.

Breath warm like solar winds,

as we orbit each other's lips again & again.

Our energy burns, & explodes into

a supernova,

a beautiful moment--

only a few minutes long,

but sustained forever in my

memory by the way you looked at me.

Your soft smile showing your level of elation--

Your lips resting against the curve of your

teeth.

Your eyes close,

Your breath slows,

& we have each other,

forever.

Sleep slips into our saturated minds,

sweetly singing us towards unconsciousness,

reminding us of this infinite happiness.

We have this,

forever.

Our moment,

always.

Samantha Weldon

3:24pm

"No Need to Say Goodbye"

11:09 am 9-12-2011

Thank God.

My mini-freakout is over.

I have found the ground again.

I have realized that we really are

better off as best friends.

We are so similar,

yet so different.

The biggest thing being that you

abhor your intelligence.

You're sickened by it.

By awareness, & knowing.

While I simply can't get enough.

I value knowledge in every way.
I leave my mind vulnerable &

susceptible to anything & everything--

which is probably why it hurt so

much when you didn't want a

relationship anymore.

But now that I'm accustomed to the

idea, I like it this way.

I would much rather be able to tell

people that you are my Best friend

not my boyfriend.

You still inspire me just as much,

I still think the world of you;

With everyone else, that always

changed after the break-up.

I do not resent you.

I couldn't.

I truly love you,

& I think we both just fell too fast--

Maybe one day it will happen again.

Who knows?

If it doesn't,

We'll both be okay.

You & I are going to change the world.

Together or apart.

Our two&1/2 weeks were the most romantic

and thrilling of my life.

You've shown me that the best is yet

to come.

You will always have a piece of my heart.

You are unforgettable.

We were unforgettable.
We are infinite.

Best friends is more than I could ever need.

Thank you.

Samantha Weldon 11:20am

"Don't turn away, Dry your eyes, Dry your eyes."

10:07am 9-8-11

Lost in downtown Little Rock--

that's where my mind is.

The street lights are flickering

and my heart is falling

down the hole that is caving in

from the undersides of my collarbones.

This acid-like worry is eating its way

through my flesh & bones, & forming

a rabbit hole to the bottom of my stomach.

You being the worrisome white rabbit--my heart & I being

the curiously clumsy girl who fell

in after you.

As of now I'm not completely

sure as to whether I'm flying

or plummetting as I race

past flashes of your smile--

gentle flirtations that let me know this whole "just friends"

business isn't the easiest for you either.

What's going on inside my body

is as close to that twisted wonderland

as I will ever get--

My heart forced to pretend,

& My mind relentlessly reminding me

that no-- I didn't wake up next to you today.

No--I don't get to hold your hand.

& Yes-- Those streetlamps are slowly

flickering away.

You, the light ot my life, ifs growing

darker with each worry upon your mind.

So I will live inside my own darkness

to give you your light.

I will give you the space you need to

make things right.

But simply put, I will always love you.
I want to be there for you,

To be the Best friend you need,

& if that's all I can be,

That'll be enough for me.

You have all of me.
I love you.

"Life is always hard for the Belle of the Boulevard"

Samantha Weldon 10:27am

"I think I'm scared, I think too much"

9-6-11 9:55am

I'm not crazy.

Just eccentric.

"a little unwell"

I don't believe I live in a world with other people,

that I see things the way others do.

I feel like I live alone--

at least I did.

Then you came along.

You understood me.

You took hold of my troubled mind & made me see that I wasn't alone.

That someone else inthis world could live in mine,

& now that I've had company here inside my own little world,

I don't want to be alone;

although I don't remember being particularly unhappy,

I've never been this happy.

I never want to lose it.

My own little world would crumble.

I don't mean to sound obsessive,

& I know its coming off that way.

I'm afraid.

You've shown me true love.

I'm only cared because of my past.

Being an open book to those who couldn't read me resulted in catastrophe.

Torn pages.

pieces of me they decided to keep without permission,

lines scratched out to replace the memories with something different.

White-out & thinned out patches of paper from the sand-paper pens of my past,

haunting me.

Haunting my thoughts each time

you write something new,

and/or do something similar to their old words--

except I know you mean it.

I know you're different,

& would never hurt me on purpose.

Your words go much smoother over the bad memories &

onto my blank pages as moments so dear that I never want to lose.

Just like you.

I love you.

Please understand, I know you can.

Samantha Weldon

10:25am

"On & on, we run & we run"

9-5-11 12:26am

I'm scared out of my wits.

The one person I can't stand to lose is drifting & undulating between my embrace & the real world.

One being comforting, right & passionate;

the other a frozen tundra,

Full of harsh words & realities he feels he has to face alone.

So wont' you take these arms that are aching ot hold you--

let them protect you from the sad world we live in,

shield you from sorrow,

yet still allow you to see it all in its beauty.

You don't have to figure out everything alone.

Let my hands deplete your afflictions,

imbibe your warmth &

radiate my affections throughout the crevices in your skin,

returning you to happiness once again by committing the simplest, sweetest, sin of a single touch.

My lungs act as tesla coils,

my electricity drawn nearer to yours with each breath I take,

& with every step I move away from you,

it creates buildup within my heart,

So that each time we meet,

I regenerate.

I breathe--

my inner sparks finding their way to your heart,

where they feel they belong.

Where I would love to stay forever.

Because in your heart, I know I am loved,

I am safe,

& exactly where God intended me to be.

In your eyes I find serenity,

the first date,

the first sunset,

& beaverfork lake.

A place that could never have been right with anyone else.

A risk I thought well worth taking.

An unforgettable sight.

The perfection inside an imperfect human completely visible through your enchanting emerald forest eyes.

An angel.

I'm convinced of it.

I'm sure of it.

& I will never live to see the day you convince me otherwise.

Come with me, baby.

Together we can change the world.

Hand in hand,

eye-to-eye.

Our lips meet, & I've never been more sure of anything else.

Noone else will have my heart the way you do,

because you have it all,

& I never want it back.

Samantha Weldon 12:52am

"With Everything, I Won't Let This Go"

How.

How in the world is it that I have found the missing part of me?

The cliche'd puzzle piece whose hands fit perfectly with mine,

with eyes like a sunset I'll never live to forget & lips that take me to a place where all I could dream is what is real.

His voice sings through my very soul,

following each riff & rythmn of my heart & unsteady breathing without fail.

The romanticism within me has met its match.

Even when there are no words,

I blush.

I swoon, attempt & fail to find my footing because he has swept me off my feet. Truly.

He is everything and nothing I was looking for.

Even alone & asleep, I'm lost in those eyes.

The first sunset we ever watched together,

forever in his eyes.

Hwy 25, Thursday night, I fell.

I fell in love.

The most precious love I've ever felt for the most perfect person on Earth.

"With Everything, I Won't Let This Go"

8-26-2011 Samantha Weldon

"Shining, Shimmering, Splendid"

A flirt.

/swoon.

Holding in the squeals your cute little remarks induce,

holding fast to the floor--

holding my hopes within the treetops,

Throwing caution to your smile,

& keeping my hands behind my back.

But the problem with holding my hopes is that you are encouraging them to take off into the stars that I find in your eyes when you smile.

A new galaxy witin your mind that seems to be so similar to mine.

So close that I can read your seemingly alien languages as if reading a novel.

You--& your spirit.

/feeling alive. within a text message.

Instability, impracticality, & everything about life that I have come to secretly relish against the words of my mentors--

that is what youa re.

With hopes flying & my heart falling at the speed of light,

you're tearing me apart in the best way possible--

& I haven't really met you yet.

/alive.

Not only breathing, but feeling everything & nothing at the same time.

Inspiration that I've been searching for like pure water during a drought.

life anew.

Thank you.

8-25-2011 Samantha Weldon

"Daddy's little girl, paints the world with her magic wand"

3:29am 8.7.2011

Growing up,

I'm nothing like I used to be,

& yet I'm exactly the same as you remembered me.

I smile,

put on my make-up,

& wear that perfume you got me when I was young, Daddy.

I go around like th world is mine,

& life is perfect.

You always thought I did alright on my own.

I cut my hair,

I look just like you,

& I'm nothing like you OR my mother.

I'm happy.

No matter what, I will always be happy, Dad.

Your little girl wears that perfume like it's Chanel no. 5,

keeps her chin up,

& is going to be everything she ever dreams up to be.

Your little girl is growing up,

Just so you know.

She's not afraid to admit she's your daughter,

because she's already overcome your reputation.

She loves you.

She misses you.

She holds her head high & is waiting for the day you speak up.

She wants you to be there to give her away one day, despite everything.

You're my father.

I want my "Daddy" back.

I want you to be proud of me, & let me know it.

'till then, I hope you've learned how to be happy, too.

Love you Daddy.

3:43am

Samantha Weldon

The Shearing Piano

7.26.11 1:00pm

The day after.

I feel despicable.

I stole your laughter, the lights that shone through your eyes when you smiled.

I've taken everything that was good and focused it away from myself.

I am not mistaken.

I know what I did was right,

One day you will, too.

You'll see that we shared our first love.

That I will be a memory very dear to you when you think of me.

Think of me as free as you wish me to be.

You taught me how to fly,

and now I'm soaring,

so high that no-one can catch me.

I'm out in space,

becoming the star you knew I would be.

I want to be that one you see & just smile fondly up at me.

You had every piece of me.

I loved you.

Think of me when you hear jazz music. find me in those slippery licks & remember nights shared,

the way I danced,

& the way you loved me.

Forever in my heart, you will always be.

-Samantha Weldon

1:08pm

To Get Things Started

I'm Samantha. This is a blog solely for my writings out of my Moleskine notebook (aka, my brain that I carry everywhere). It is uncensored, and un-edited. I will not mute my feelings, and if they hurt yours, well, you chose to read it. Thanks for reading, I hope you find something to enjoy here.

To clue you in a bit, most of the titles of my posts will be whatever song is stuck in my head at the moment. the time of day when I wrote it will usually be included.